I need to vent. You know the women you hear about who are in a relationship and constantly trying to change the guy? They stick with some guy because they think they will be the one to enable him to become the great guy he is capable of being. I have always thought that was so dumb. Why would any woman waste her time trying to change some shmuck? And then I opened my eyes and saw that I, in fact, had become that girl. Blast.
I was with this guy for about 8 months. I recently called things off [once the eyes finally opened], and now, looking back on the situation, I guess one could say hindsight is nearly 20/20. There are so many directions I could go with this one. I could say that I wasn't trying to change him; I just believed that he could be so much better if given the chance. I could also say that I wasn't really that into him; I simply offered encouragement, opinions, and advice out of the goodness of my heart. Or, I could be brutally honest and say that I spent too many hours, gave too many brains cells, and wasted too much gas driving to his place--more than he actually deserved. Had he wanted my help [he is admittedly in a bit of a rut], been appreciative of my efforts, and/or given anything back in return, I would not be writing this venting blog. But since I am, you already know the outcome of the story.
I am not trying to sound saintly. It is not like he needed me to save him from anything. However, I now understand how women end up falling into such situations. When you like someone, you want that person to succeed. You want happiness for him, and because we females have it all figured out, we tend to want to offer our services to those who are clueless. Well, at least us women who don't know better.
Allow me to quickly elaborate on what I mean when I say this guy was/is clueless. Keep in mind that I have been way too nice to him and way too generous with him. And just in case he does stumble across this post [the chances are very very slim], I will stay away from his own self-inflicted personal issues, which could be an entire blog of its own. My examples [part of the venting process] will be things regarding only him and me:
- Example Number 1: After anticipating a kayaking trip with him all summer, the scheduled date to go finally arrived. He was well aware of how badly I wanted to go. It was actually all I wanted for my birthday. And then he bailed the morning of. His excuse? He was too tired from the night before [which I had spent with him and partied harder than he had]. He said we would go the following weekend...which we didn't, of course. Idiot.
- Example Number 2: During sweet/kissy scenes in movies he says, "Ah, boring part. Change it." Sort of like a 12 year old, which I told him. No, I'm sorry. Exactly like a 12 year old.
- Example Number 3: When I first called things off (one of three times) he heard zero of the reasons I gave for the break-up and instantly assumed it was because he was moving to Boston. In a month. A mere one hour away. What?
- Example Number 4: The first movie we saw together was My Bloody Valentine. Oh, but it was 3-D.
- Example Number 5: This one is my favorite. He got me a pizza for my birthday. A pizza. It was free because he has connections at a local pizza joint and was more of a convenient after hours snack than it was a gift. Thanks sweety.
Not that these examples are dealbreakers [okay, except maybe the pizza one], but they all fit under an umbrella of his obliviousness to the fact that there were two people in the relationship. And still, each time I would realize it, he would end up wooing me back a few days later, reasoning and blabbering and apologizing. Typical. Regardless of what he may be going through, if it isn't working, then it isn't working. No need to wait for something to kick in, especially if the effort isn't being made by both parties.
The real moral of the story is that I was the clueless one for putting up with it. I kept seeing the potential of the relationship, rather than what it actually was. That was the mistake; the change I expected to see. I have vowed that when the next such fellow comes along, I will have my eyes wide open so I can clearly see the signs that say, "I'm currently a shitshow. Don't bother."
